Worry

Well, I really have been avoiding posting this because I don't want to become scared about this. I don't want people to worry about a problem that may or may not exist. But today is yet another big appointment, and frankly this is all I can think about.

So, the heart thing, right? Its just pumping slowly. Its a quick fix once he's born and he'll be back to 'normal' and the world will be right. Of course, he'll have a few surgeries in his lifetime to replace his pacemaker/pacemaker's batteries, but for the most part its non-invasive.

Well about two fetal echocardiogram's ago (please tell me I'm not the only one who measures time by appointments!) they discovered something else. His aortic arch may or may not be narrowing. Its a small tube thats hard to see, especially by ultrasound before the child is born. If it is indeed narrowing, its due to the stress his poor heart is going through. In that case, my son will be put on medication and will eventually have surgery to widen it. Because of its size and location (and my crazy wiggler son) they cannot fully determine if it is going to be a problem. Both ultrasounds have indicated it might be, though.

Its kind of ruining my 'living happily every after' outcome though. I want his health problems to be fixed permanently, right after birth, thank you very much. I don't want to have to worry about administering meds, the constant worry that something might be wrong. Late at night trying to decide if I should call the cardiologist or if I'm just imagining things. Due to the pacemaker surgery he's already not coming home with me. Will this slow down his trip home too?

And then you face the 'what ifs'. What if he had been taken out in October before this started hapening? Would we have avoided this complication? Would it have been worse?

The mind games are insane, especially when all I want to do is give birth to my sweet little boy, to hold and cuddle him, to take him home with me, to care for him.

I don't know, I'm just hoping for a great day today, where all the appointments go well and there's a lot less worry on my part.

Amy